


The Only Way Out Is Through

by Tazza1993



Category: Emmerdale
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-01
Updated: 2017-03-01
Packaged: 2018-09-27 12:27:22
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,080
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10020761
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tazza1993/pseuds/Tazza1993
Summary: "Robert, I can't do this anymore.""I've heard that one before.""No, this time, there's no going back."Aaron watched as Robert crumbled before his very eyes.OrA version of the lodge scenes where Aaron never found out about Paddy and the grain crusher incident. Aaron still arranges the night away to get some alone time with Robert. There's no tying people to radiators but there is still plenty of angst. I'm working on the premise that Robert was due a bit of a breakdown anyway - after everything he had been coping with.





	

**Author's Note:**

> For Robron week (rewrite a scene prompt).

 

Aaron felt as though they had been here before. And the truth was that they had. Maybe this was their first time in the picturesque lodge in the woods. But they had lived out what was essentially the same scenario in various hotel rooms across Hotten. Robert was here with Aaron, nuzzling into his neck in a post coital daze, while he really belonged to someone else. In these snatched moments alone, it felt like Robert was Aaron's, and Aaron's only. Yet, the truth was that Robert had married Chrissie, despite Aaron's best attempts to persuade him to do otherwise. Robert was not Aaron's - it was all an illusion.

 

Aaron carefully untangled his aching limbs from beneath Robert's on the sofa. They had not even made it to the bedroom before Robert had pushed himself inside of Aaron. There had been a desperate edge to their passionate clinches on that sofa. Aaron's fingertips had pressed hard into Robert's back as he had moved inside of Aaron, as if he was afraid that Robert would disappear otherwise. For his part, Robert's lips had not stopped moving over every part of Aaron's face and body, from beginning to end. His lips, his jaw, his neck, his shoulders, his earlobes, had all been claimed by Robert's insatiable lips time and time again. As though Aaron was water and he was gulping him down because he did not know where his next drink was coming from. It had felt like an ending, to Aaron.

 

Aaron moved over to stand by the window that looked out over the still forest. It was a beautiful afternoon and the sun glared down on the greenery, making everything look more vivid. It was a stark contrast to Aaron, who had felt as though he was just going through the motions ever since Robert had pulled out of him, spent and sweaty. The glorious summer day should have been about living life to the full. But Aaron was not living - he was spending all of his time clinging on to something that was dying fast, before his very eyes. They couldn't go on like this.

 

Aaron remembered looking out of another window as he shared a secret rendezvous with Robert, months prior. He recalled seeing Chrissie and Katie marching up the steps towards the hotel entrance. Katie had still been alive then. Aaron had found himself unceremoniously shoved out into the cold. It was yet another reminder that Robert was not Aaron's to keep. And months later the dream of having Robert for anything other than a fleeting few days was as intangible as ever. Aaron was going to have to let this particular dream go, he knew as he stood there.

 

Robert pushed himself off the sofa and walked over to stand behind Aaron. He rested his back against Aaron's chest and enfolded the younger man in his arms. His cheek brushed against the top of Aaron's head. He was gloriously crumpled, with bedraggled hair and smelling of sex. Robert was always soft, like this, with Aaron when they were alone. Aaron did not doubt that Robert loved him, but he also knew that sometimes love was not enough. Love had not been enough to make Jackson want to keep living. And love was not enough to give Robert the courage to let people see who he really was.

 

Robert's love was not enough for Aaron anymore - not when it came cloaked in secrecy and deception. Not when people had to die for it to remain buried. Not if it came without honesty and loyalty. Not if it came with endless conditions and what ifs. Aaron loved Robert so much that it terrified him. And that was why he needed to stop this now, before he became a hollow carcass of the Aaron that he used to be. An Aaron without Robert seemed unimaginable. But Aaron was beginning to think that he might also be freer, less weighted down by never ending angst and turmoil.

 

Aaron had asked Robert to come here with him to salvage something from their prolonged relationship. He had wanted to come here and remember why he was still fighting for this. Instead, he had realised that there was nothing salvageable left here. You could only save something if both parties were willing to actively participate in the rescue effort.

 

"Robert, I can't do this anymore." Aaron could not bring himself to break free of Robert's arms, even as he spoke.

 

"I've heard that one before," Robert murmured with a sigh. "You were the one who asked me to come here."

 

"I know," Aaron acknowledged softly. "I wanted to see you. But it's just made me realise that I don't want this anymore."

 

Robert let go of Aaron. He splayed his broad hands on Aaron's shoulders and spun the other man around to face him. Aaron did not resist. "You don't want me?" Robert asked, his eyes hurt.

 

"Not like this," said Aaron. He was momentarily surprised that his confession had not sent them spiralling into a heated row. This was the gentlest disagreement that they had ever had, he thought. "I want you all for myself." It was perhaps the bravest admission that Aaron had ever made.

 

Aaron thought about the long hours he had spent in the hospital, waiting for news about Paddy a few days back. He had phoned Robert because he had needed to hear the voice of the man he loved. And Robert had given him all that he was able to give - a few reassuring words down a phone line. It had not been enough. In another lifetime Robert would have been free to rush to Hotten General and soothe Aaron with his presence and gentle touch. In this lifetime, it just hadn't been possible.

 

"I can't give you that," Robert admitted, his voice increasing a little in volume.

 

"I know. That's why this can't go on." Aaron took a step backwards, putting distance between the two of them.

 

"You'll have changed your mind by the morning." Robert stared at Aaron, his eyes wild.

 

"No, this time, there's no going back."

 

Aaron turned his back on Robert, trying to gather his scattered thoughts. He missed the moment when Robert's disbelief turned into wild, breathless sobs. He twisted around just in time to watch his usually composed lover sink to the floor in a heap of long limbs and hug his knees tight to his chest.

 

***

 

It was as though a dam had broke in Robert's chest. Years worth of suppressed emotions burst unchecked to the forefront of Robert's mind. Fear, rage, guilt, jealousy, love. It was too much for one person to handle. It was certainly too much for a man who had spent the last decade carefully constructing a façade of nonchalance and coldness. Images began to race across Robert's mind, one after the other, unchecked.

 

Jack looking down at Robert as he told him to leave Emmerdale.

 

Chrissie in her wedding dress, waiting for Robert.

 

Aaron curled up on the forest floor, delirious and cold, mumbling Robert's name.

 

Andy cradling Katie's broken body in his arms.

 

His mother's screams as the barn burned around her.

 

Aaron telling Robert that he loved him in the cold, February air.

 

Paddy struggling to breathe as grain pressed down on him.

 

Victoria's face when she saw Robert for the first time since he returned to the village - half hope and half apprehension.

 

Aaron's eyes on Robert as he recited his wedding vows to Chrissie.

 

Robert had always thought that your life was supposed to flash before your eyes before you died. Except he wasn't dying and the images reeling before his eyes were a montage of his many mistakes as opposed to his life in abstract. Then again, Robert's life had mainly compromised of mistakes this last year or so.

 

"Don't leave me, Aaron," Robert choked out, not even trying to hide the desperation in his voice.

 

Aaron stared at him from where he stood, seemingly nonplussed. He had never seen him cry before, Robert realised. Aaron shed tears easily - he was used to wearing his pain like a badge of honour. But Robert was different, he knew all too well that tears did not change anything. Tears had not been able to bring his mother back from the dead. Tears had not made it any easier for his father to love him. He was proved right once again, when Aaron started to move towards the door for the second time. Apparently, tears had not made it any easier for Aaron to love Robert either.

 

Aaron had been the one thing keeping him sane over the past months. Without him, Robert would be lost. But then, wasn't he lost already?

 

Max going up flames with the car.

 

Victoria sobbing into Adam's shoulder at Katie's graveside.

 

Aaron tethering on the edge of a quarry.

 

Chas' face as she confronted him among the trees.

 

Aaron in a hospital bed, desperately trying to put on a brave face.

 

The feel of Andy's fists by Jack's tombstone.

 

Aaron's expression when he saw Katie's lifeless body.

 

The images came faster this time and Robert could not breath. He spluttered helplessly, one hand pressed to his chest. His face was scarlet, his hands were shaking and his chest was getting tighter by the moment. Robert felt as though he would have welcomed death.

 

"Robert." Aaron's voice cut through the mist. "You need to take deep breaths." He felt soothing hands on his shoulders.

 

Because it was Aaron asking him to do it, Robert tried. He concentrated on breathing, slow and constant. It took a few minutes, but eventually the feelings of panic and breathlessness subsided.

 

Robert looked at Aaron through his tears. "Thank you," he managed to say.

 

"It's okay," muttered Aaron. "I've had panic attacks before, I know how they feel."

 

So had Robert, although not since he was in his teens. There were something that Robert had hoped had been left in the past, never to be confronted again. They made him feel out of control and Robert hated feeling like he couldn't control things.

 

"Because of me?" Robert asked.

 

Robert was all too aware that he had brought Aaron more misery than anybody should ever be forced to endure. There was only so much that great sex and desperate declarations of love could make up for. Botched robberies, dead bodies, suicidal brothers, cancelled dates. Robert knew that he had let down Aaron, time and time again. Just like he had let down his mother, his father, Diane, Victoria, Andy, Chrissie.

 

Robert did love Aaron but that didn't change anything. He belonged at Home Farm, with Chrissie. He had worked too hard, for too long, to give up his position now. People looked at him with Chrissie and felt jealous. If anyone ever saw him with Aaron, he would face only stares and jeers. Love wasn't enough to change things. He didn't blame Aaron for wanting to get out while he could really.

 

"No," Aaron said, his eyes softening a little. "Not because of you."

 

"Well that's something, I suppose," Robert murmured, weary.

 

Aaron looked at him intently and Robert knew that he was taking in how exhausted Robert was. Robert was tired of pretending. But at this point, it was all he could do. Sometimes, he wasn't even sure what was the truth and what were lies, anymore. Robert was a very good liar. If you could lie well enough, sometimes you could even fool yourself.

 

Chrissie was the love of his life.

 

Aaron was the best sex of Robert's life.

 

Robert felt lost when he wasn't with Aaron.

 

Home Farm was all Robert had ever wanted.

 

Chrissie understood Robert.

 

Robert told Aaron things he had never told Chrissie.

 

Robert just wanted it all to be over.

 

Robert loved Aaron.

 

Which ones were true and which ones were lies? Robert wasn't sure anymore. Except for the last one. Robert knew that one was the truth. If only it wasn't.

 

"Robert, you can't go on like this," Aaron sighed.

 

"I know," Robert admitted, rubbing his tears off his face with his sleeves.

 

Aaron got back up on to his feet, his face determined. "I'm going to tell Chrissie the truth. It's the only way to end this."

 

Robert couldn't summon up the energy to stop him, as he watched him leave. He just wanted it all to be over, one way or the other.


End file.
